My Talents

The Little Green Leopard

I was walking through the season of joy yesterday, when I came across a small leopard. It was a very green leopard, with orange eyes. I looked at it and thought, ‘This doesn’t look very normal.’ However, in despite of my unusual find, I carried on walking. After about half an hour, I realised that I was being followed by the little green leopard. I turned around to face it and it smiled at me. I wasn’t sure how to react to this, but smiled back none-the-less. Suddenly it let out a big yelp! I jumped at this, as it was very unexpected. The little green leopard then laughed high pitched laughed and walked off.

I ignored what had just happened, although I was very unnerved by it all, and slightly shaken. Then I felt rather tired, and decided to sit down. I cast my eyes upon a very smooth rock, which I decided to sit on. As soon as I sat on it I felt an enormous shooting pain in my eye. I was really shocked and let out a little scream. Suddenly my leg fell off! I was so scared I tried to run away, but then my arms fell off and I fell over! What was happening to me? I was just about to burst into tears when an owl landed on my head. ‘You have set your eyes upon the Little Green Leopard, haven’t you?’ I looked up, and realised that the owl was talking to me. I shook my head and felt a tear running down my cheek. ‘Ah, you see, his high pitched laugh destroys all the bodies’ limbs. It shatters them, with its high pitched frequency laughter.’ At this I was crying…. A lot! Then my bad eye fell out (well, it could’ve been worse, I could’ve been watching Corrie – Inside joke!)

‘I am the Wise Old Owl! I will fly you to your grave!’ Why was all this bad stuff happening to me?! This was supposed to be the season of joy!

As the Wise Old Owl was flying me to my grave, my body was falling to pieces! I was so upset, by this time I only had my head left! I was useless, even more so than I was before! Finally, the Wise Old Owl dropped me into my grave.

The End

The Death Of Ol’ Antonio The Great

(R.I.P)

As I was walking I heard a noise. It sounded like someone shouting. “How very, rather odd” one did think (a rare but pleasurable experience). I carried on walking, when I heard the noise again, but it was quieter than before. Therefore I thought ‘Why…, one must be more further from the ‘noise maker’ than before.’ However, I was wrong… it turned out that I was closer, the ‘noise maker’ was just tired of making the noise, and couldn’t be bothered to be as loud anymore. “I’ve been shouting for 4 days now… it’s killing my throat and no one takes ANY notice, so I thought, ‘fuck it!’ ya, know mate, to be honest… I just don’t care any more, no one else does, so why should I! Ill just perish here, I don’t care… not anymore.”

“Poor ol’ fellow”, I thought. I felt useless, I couldn’t do anything to help him… ah, well…

I carried on walking, and came across a bridge. “Oh, my!” one began to think. “What an olde bridge this be!” I wasn’t sure whether as to cross the bridge, or not. I sat long and hard, thinking about what might happen… My mind was racing!!! What if it fell apart? What if I didn’t like what was on the other side, and then the bridge fell apart, so I wouldn’t be able to get back? What if I broke my ankle, due to its unevenness? What if I got attacked on the middle of the bridge? (I might get a phobia and never cross another bridge!!) After thinking, I decided to take a risk and cross the bridge. After all, the bridge was only a few inches above the river, and the river wasn’t that deep. So I could always just walk through it, if I wanted to get back.

One the other side of the bridge, was views of beauty. It was a picture of pure loveliness… sheer bliss. My goodness, it was almost orgasmic!

I travelled abit further and reached another bridge. “Hey! I managed to get across the other bridge, so I’m sure as hell, gona go across this baby!” Little did I know that this was the bridge which would lead me to my death… yes, it was an unfortunate event. I was so very close to the other side, but my foot got stuck in a hole in the bridge. I couldn’t hold my balance any longer. I fell! Down into deep abyss! To add to the misfortune, my foot was so stuck… it became unattached from my body, and is still there to this day.

Note to reader:

This is NOT from the log of Ol’ Antonio The Great. (It is historic fact, written in first person, by Inohu Dunnit) His dairy can be found in the National Museum Of Great People (It also includes extracts from diaries of such people as Abe, From Oddworld, Mr and Mrs Incredible, Shrek and Fiona and Tarzan and Jane)

For more information on Ol’ Antonio The Great and extracts from his diary visit: www.greatpeole.org/Antonioissofuckinfabicouldeathisdeadbody/info/